F.I.N.E

Look, I don't know how exactly to do this. I just have all these ugly feeling and dark stories and I need them out of me and I'm to scared to tell people in real life.

I mean, I told someone who I really respect that I wondered if I needed therapy for my depression and anxiety and his only response was if I felt I needed it I probably did. 

Getting the nerve to just say that had me shaking and feeling nauseous, I also almost walked away 3 times and once he said that he did want to know what I wanted to say. After that I was still shaky and just said, "Um... Thanks?" then walked away. I wanted to just stop and say, "Wait, that's not how I wanted to say it."

What I had planned, and wanted to do was this.

Walk up to R: "Hey R, I have something to ask your personal opinion and advice on."

R: "My personal opinion? You might not like it."

Me: "That's fine. I want your honesty."
R: "Okay then, what is it?"

Me (Deviating from what I really said to what I wanted to say now) : "I have a problem, a habit that I want and need to stop that is very bad for me. I know I have problems with anxiety and depression and I wanted to get your opinion on if I should see a therapist about it or not."

R (Guessing his responses now): "What is the problem C?"

Me: "Well... I cut myself. I'm sure you've seen the scars in Aikido class, but I cut my biceps and my thigh so no one notices."

I have no idea how he would respond. If he would hate me for the horrible person I am, if he would be supportive and suggest I get help and even offer to be there for me, if he just wouldn't care, I don't know. I don't know and that scares me. I don't like not knowing the outcome of events.

God that sounds so wrong, I don't like not knowing. I can't handle not knowing. I sound like some type of control freak. Am I?